Thursday, May 29, 2008

Headline hall of fame: Mmm, monkey brains...

“Monkeys Control a Robot Arm With Their Thoughts”


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Future headlines in the Planet of the Apes Is Here Gazette:


Monkeys Use Robotic Arms
To Sign Names on Casts
Of Other Monkeys’ Robotic Arms

MONKEYS SCRATCH BUTTS WITH NEW PRECISION

Primates Skim ‘InStyle’
Using Robotic Arms


Dozens electrocuted licking fingers to turn pages

Simians’ Robotic Arms Become Self-Aware

MARSHMALLOW-GRABBING SOFTWARE DESIGNED

‘Grodd’ named leader — calls for Batman’s ‘puny man-head’

CYBER-PRIMATES DECLARE WAR ON HUMANITY

Still miffed over ‘brains’ scene in ‘Temple of Doom’

Ultimatum From Anthropoids

‘Surrender bananas and Coke cans or poop will be thrown at you at supersonic speeds’

Scientists Confirm Deadly Force of Projectile Poop

Poop-Defense Shield Proposed

But Democrats won’t fucking sign it

PRESERVED HEAD OF ‘APE LOVER’ SCHUMER STOLEN, POOPED ON

Ape Dissenters Build Cybernetic Kubrick

‘DR. STRANGEPOOP’

Absurdist comedy reflects darkening primate culture

REVIEW: APE FILM ALL PEEL, NO BANANA

Editorial: ‘You maniacs! You blew it up! God damn you all to hell!’


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