Friday, January 4, 2008

Dear Book of Secrets


Dear Book of Secrets,

Today was a really crazy day. First the Japanese were, like, total assholes and bombed a bunch of our ships in Hawaii. Hello! Inevitable retribution? Do they really think they can get away with that? It’s like, I don’t want to seem like a total vindictive bitch about it, but I have to do something, right?

That’s when I decided that we should do something to really try to put an end to all this chaotic warfare once and for all. Because it’s just going to get worse — first somebody disses you, then you bomb them, then somebody else goes on some genocidal psycho trip and kills 6 million Jews. So what if we had some big bomb that would just scare the bejeezus out of everybody, and, like, totally deter most future acts of military aggression?

So I had a meeting with some scientific guys, who said they could use atomic theory to come up with a new bomb. And I said, Oh yeah, the Germans are working on that too. And they were like, We know. And I was like, So get on it then. And they were like, We need a lot of money. And I was like, Fine, you have a blank check. And they were like, Where are you going to get all this money? And I was like, We’ll just steal it from what’s left of the Indians.

Book of Secrets, do you think this was a good thing to do? I mean, should we steal from these people, from whom we’ve already stolen so much? But like, losers weepers, right? I don’t know. I get so confused. Sometimes I just want to cry.



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