Dear Book of Secrets

Dear Book of Secrets,

I don’t understand why everybody has to be such a jerk to me. I’m the President of the United States! I take care of home! Me and my illegal cabal protect everybody from Evildoers and make (some) people lots and lots and lots of money! What’s the deal, people?!

So I think some of these so-called civil servants need to learn a lesson. This ungrateful bitch, the one who wrote the thing in the Times, what’s his name? Joe — Joe Wilson, Nilsson Schmilsson, or whatever. Turns out his girlfriend is, like, totally in the Company, and she’s “undercover.” (What, like Christine Keeler?!?)

I’m going to make sure that everybody knows her dirty little lies — well, maybe they’re not lies, but they’re not nice! — and how much of a clandestine little witch she is. I’ll copy a page from you, Book of Secrets, and plaster it all over the place, “Mean Girls” style, and then we’ll see how critical, how “factual” that old JoJo Dancer loser boyfriend of hers is! Fact-check this, jackass!

Love,
W.